In case that last bit wasn’t sappy enough, this is the song that was playing during our first kiss. Anyway. Enough of that.

The big thing of today was a rehearsal for the colombai med students theater group. They’re doing As You Like It. It’s kind of atrocious at the moment. Hopefully it’ll clean up in the next couple weeks. I felt vague tugs of artistry, from the last time I designed this, for Jesse. That was one of my best designs ever. But I don’t feel like a designer anymore. I kind of wish I did. I wish I cared more, and was still fighting to pursue that. Well. I sort of wish I did. I feel like I should. But I really don’t. I don’t know if it’s me, or just because I haven’t been able to do fulfilling stuff lately (though I had 4 designs in a row this fall, not long ago, and a couple were even real ones) but I’m just not feeling much of a connection to theater or to lighting. I got tired. And disheartened, and disinterested. And I feel like I should care about that, mourn it more, but I really don’t. I’m ready to move on to other things, I think. And I do feel guilty about that. I feel like I’m betraying this thing that I was so passionate about, and so potentially (and actually) good at. I wish I cared more about leaving it behind. But at the same time, if I still cared, I would still be in the thick of pursuing that. This is a complicated feeling. A lot of it is that I feel like I should still be interested in something that I’m not. And it feels strange because there was no decisive break. No moment of clarity. I just sort of drifted, and found myself here. And I drifted while working hard at finding theater jobs. Which feels odd. But here I am. And now, I think, since I’ve noticed and figured this out, and started articulating it, I’ll really be able to jump onto the next ship. Hopefully.


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