Monthly Archives: March 2010


I am sick. I feel goddawful. Yesterday, while sick, I had to climb a ladder. I got dizzy. It sucked. Today, all I want to do is sleep. But then I woke up. This also sucks. I have real work on friday. I had better be not-sick by then. Also, I want to be better. Right about now.

(It’s *just* a cold. Which makes it sound like nothing to fuss about. But come talk to me when your head weighs about 50lbs, you can’t breathe or hear, your stomach doesn’t like food, and your throat begins to feel like your cat spent the night climbing up and down it. But, you know, *just* a cold. So I feel lame whining about it. Except that it totally sucks.)



So, I have always hated video games. When I was a kid, I didn’t have any. No tv, either (which meant I didn’t see all the commercials for stuff, and not seeing things helps you not really want them. Also, I liked books and my backyard. It was a good childhood). But twice a year, my dad had this gathering celebration thing with this group, and all the kids there would gather in the basement of the hosts house and play Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat and Mario Bros. And I hated it. I didn’t know how to play, and didn’t particularly want to know, and had to either sit there and watch these kids fight over whose turn it was, and argue about best combination codes, or go upstairs, and listen to boring adult political talk. The food at these things was awesome, otherwise I would have rebelled and not gone. So, that was, for years, my main impression of video games. A lot of my frustration stemmed from the fact that I didn’t know how to play, and found watching someone else play to be really boring. John plays a lot of video and computer games, and I had just accepted that I’d read or watch stuff I wanted while he did that.

But then. About a year and a half ago, I was over at Tenaya and Alex’s house. Alex is a big video game guy, has all the different systems. And somehow this topic came up, and Alex said, hey, I know a game you might like. It was Katamari. And holy crap, I liked it. It’s silly and easy. Limited controls. It looks funny. Frogs and cows try to run away from you. So, I bought a ps2. Specifically to play Katamari. Then I was hanging out with them again. Little Big Planet. It practically teaches you how to use the controller. And you can create your own little dude. And then I was there another time, and they pulled out Fable II. Different controller. But it was fun. And it looks really good, it’s a nice visual world to run around in.

And then John was buying an xbox, and I saw Ratatouille. I loved the movie, and was kind of curious, and it was a ps2 game, and I like that controller better. So I got it, and it’s awesome. I’m probably halfway through, but it’s pretty great. Easy to play control-wise, not too many different things to do, but fun things to go through. (it’s hard to explain without getting all specific about missions and how to jump and all (x. xx for a high jump with a flip. Do you have any idea how fun it is to make a mouse flip around a kitchen?)).

So then last night we had to stop by gamestop for something or other for John’s brother, and I saw Fable II. I’d only played the very beginning at Tenaya’s, and it had been sort of fun. And I was kind of curious about where it went next. And that’s how I ended up spending EIGHT HOURS last night, running around trying to do missions and kill some stuff and forge swords and buy a house to rent out. And I talked to the screen the whole time. Holy crap. At one point, John had the controller, because I had needed him to win a  fight for me, and the next bit of the mission involved going back to the main town. There’s this little sparkle trail that leads you everywhere, but he wanted to kind of manually set the destination, and I didn’t want to mess with what I had been told to do, and I freaked out a little and said something about “nooooo, my game, give it back, you’ll ruin it!” Oh man. What a brat. John wisely walked away, and now won’t help me play at all. Which sucks. Because I need help. Clearly. Mostly, I need help chilling out and not getting so involved. I know very well that it’s just a game, and has no bearing on anything, and I have no problem setting it down. But while I’m there, I get really tense and involved and (obviously) kind of manic. It’s no good. I think it was maybe better when I hated games. But now I at least have to finish this one. And Ratatouille. And I have a couple Katamari’s left to make. And I really do like Little Big Planet, but that’s just on ps3….

I have a problem, people.


Trying out a new phone app. hopefully it won’t eat posts like the last one.


In case that last bit wasn’t sappy enough, this is the song that was playing during our first kiss. Anyway. Enough of that.

The big thing of today was a rehearsal for the colombai med students theater group. They’re doing As You Like It. It’s kind of atrocious at the moment. Hopefully it’ll clean up in the next couple weeks. I felt vague tugs of artistry, from the last time I designed this, for Jesse. That was one of my best designs ever. But I don’t feel like a designer anymore. I kind of wish I did. I wish I cared more, and was still fighting to pursue that. Well. I sort of wish I did. I feel like I should. But I really don’t. I don’t know if it’s me, or just because I haven’t been able to do fulfilling stuff lately (though I had 4 designs in a row this fall, not long ago, and a couple were even real ones) but I’m just not feeling much of a connection to theater or to lighting. I got tired. And disheartened, and disinterested. And I feel like I should care about that, mourn it more, but I really don’t. I’m ready to move on to other things, I think. And I do feel guilty about that. I feel like I’m betraying this thing that I was so passionate about, and so potentially (and actually) good at. I wish I cared more about leaving it behind. But at the same time, if I still cared, I would still be in the thick of pursuing that. This is a complicated feeling. A lot of it is that I feel like I should still be interested in something that I’m not. And it feels strange because there was no decisive break. No moment of clarity. I just sort of drifted, and found myself here. And I drifted while working hard at finding theater jobs. Which feels odd. But here I am. And now, I think, since I’ve noticed and figured this out, and started articulating it, I’ll really be able to jump onto the next ship. Hopefully.

Wow. This ended up way sappier than I intended.

Four jobs applied to today. A friend from Fashion called with a few days of work as well. So the work front seems to be doing okay. Slow, but existent. I’m all right with that. One of the jobs I applied for I would very much like, and while it doesn’t pay great, it does pay possibly enough for me to move. I’ve been here 2 years now, the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I went to college. I’m feeling antsy. Which is a really bad reason to move, especially since I have a good place here, almost no drawbacks other than having roommates (all of whom I like, but my own place would be nice. Or living with John), and not enough counter space. Mostly, it doesn’t make sense financially. But I’m still antsy. So I look around a little.

I’m reading a book right now about urban farming, and it’s semi inspiring me. I’ve always wanted to have a garden again, grow my own tomatoes and potatoes and cucumbers and maybe some squash and definitely basil and other herbs. But now this has me thinking about a couple of laying chickens, and maybe some meat chickens, and possibly a few rabbits since apparently they’re really good eating, easy to raise, and their manure is perfect for fertilizing gardens. The juxtaposition of reading that while waiting for my cat food to be delivered was a little funny.

My point is, I like living in cities, but want a garden, and this book is giving me ideas about the possibility of that (as well as, you know, growing up in a city with parents who turned a large portion of the backyard into a garden. But that was my environment, and I didn’t really pay attention to the specifics of how that worked. The book somehow gives me more concrete things, steps to take). And at the same time, i am so citified that I am getting cat food delivered rather than pick it up. In my defense, it would mean carrying about 50lbs on the subway. What with the cans and dry food and litter and all.


John and my 3 year anniversary is coming up. There’s some confusion over when exactly this is (though he really doesn’t care, I’m the one who likes dates and labels). The confusion is because we met March 21st. And our first conversation was amazing. Electric and natural and perfect. We covered so many things, and didn’t even realize some of them until they came up months and months later. So, clearly, an anniversary to be marked. But, I wasn’t sure I wanted to date him. I liked him as a friend, but had a big stick up my ass about the fact that he wasn’t specifically what I was looking for, wasn’t everything on my stupid list (actually, he was, just in a different form than I’d imagined. And I had trouble getting over myself), and so it took me a while. We didn’t kiss until May 8th. And I didn’t fully give in to the idea that yeah, I really liked this guy, and he was definitely the one I wanted to hang out with indefinitely (see what I did there? eesh) until later in the month, somewhere around the 22nd. So, three potential anniversaries. I think we’re going with the march 21st one, since that’s when the connection was made. But the others should still be marked, I feel. Even though it’s silly. And really, there are even more. Here are two bits that I should write down, so that they’re written somewhere.

After a while of talking online (yes, we met online. It worked. Hurray.), I finally invited him over. I was sort of nervous, but in a theoretical way. I felt pretty sure that I knew this guy, that he wouldn’t kill me, or rape me or anything. But it’s still weird to meet someone face to face that you already have fairly easy communication with. And I was still in my bubble of not wanting to date him, but knowing that he was at least a little interested in me, and feeling uncomfortable with that imbalance. But. Then he got there, and I opened the door, and he looked up and his eyes flashed gold at me, and I thought “oh. This is good.” This sounds so ridiculous, but it’s true. His eyes are hazel, and in the right lights green reflects more yellow, so they really did look gold in that moment (fuck you s meyers for stealing that and making it into something gross and badly written).

The other was several weeks later. We met up in manhattan, I think after I finished tech for the night, and went and got a couple drinks. I had several, and was pretty buzzed. In those early days we went driving a lot. Not to anywhere particular, just out to long island, enjoying talking and listening to music and being in transit with no destination. It was nice. Anyway, I was well tipsy, not quite drunk, and spinning, and I asked him to hold my hand, to anchor me. It was the first time we’d held hands, and I swear there was a spark. I was so shocked I sobered up for a second, and his hand felt so right, fit so well. It’s retardedly clique and a thing of trashy novels, but I swear it happened. Same thing when we finally kissed.

So I had 4 things, not quite in a row, that all told me he was absolutely who I should be with, first conversation, meeting, hand holding, and kiss. And they all happened in a way that seemed out of a book, or slightly unreal, or had some element of fate about them, and I’m in absolute awe of that, that it happened to me, and at the same time kind of hate it since it sounds so unbelievable and I don’t feel like I can tell anyone. But it’s true. And has held true so far. I’ve got a pretty good feeling about it, even with the minor irritations that go along with fitting two people together.

Ach. I’m a big sap head. Oh well.

This is freaking mind-blowingly awesome

Back to the grind

Yep. Just worked it out. Paying off two closed down credit cards, one in lump and one in installments, and paying rent, and paying John back for half of Aruba leaves me with 50 bucks. Awesome. Fortunately my roommates owe me for the gas bill I paid before I left. And internet. Time to find more work!

It’s impressive how easily I slipped right back into lying in bed watching hulu all day, dreading looking for work. If it weren’t for the utter mess of my room (didn’t put laundry away before I left, haven’t unpacked) and the sunburn, I would feel like I never left. This sucks. But at least I got an awesome vacation in. That makes things better.

EDIT- Not that broke, it turns out. No panic! Can buy cat food! And people food!

Vacation, all I ever wanted

Holy pants. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. I tried to post from my phone one more time, and it got eaten, and I got frustrated. But I survived Fashion, worked a ton (165 hours in 15 days), made a minor barrel of money, went to Aruba, came back, realized that with bills and paying for Aruba, I am still broke, and need more work. Yay!

But the last few weeks have been all sorts of fun. I worked with really great people, and worked really hard, and I like that kind of work. To a point. It ended at about the right time for me. On the last night they had an open tab at a bar, and I got completely drunk and found out the hard way that if you work for 15 hours, don’t drink much water, and don’t eat that much later in the day, and then down 5 drinks in an hour and a half, you will have a godawful hangover the next day. It was terrible. I’ve never gotten motion-sick before, but I felt so nauseous every time I had to take a train. And I had to take several the next day. It was a crazy couple days doing last minute shopping and packing, and then I said goodbye to the cats, and hopped on a plane. It was so nice there. Kind of hot, and the all-inclusive food went down in quality while we were there (though they did have consistently awesome pizza. And a self-serve icecream dispenser thing. And endless drinks.) but otherwise, fantastic. I did some lying around, and some reading, and then surprised myself by actually snorkeling. The water so nice and warm and salty-buoyant, and everyone else kept exclaiming about various fish everywhere, so I gave in. And it was fun! I managed not to be too terrified, and I saw a ton of cool stuff. I went twice, once the first day (or second? It all blends together) and once on the last full day. That one was way better. There was a line of squid hanging out, just bobbing there checking everything out, and a green sea turtle(!) and giant schools of fish that came and nibbled my hands, and huge sea urchins, and some anemones, and coral everywhere. Totally worth getting over a fear for.

Most of the time I hung out and read, there wasn’t much else to do at the hotel (eat, drink and swim being the other options), and it was nice and relaxing. I went out on the scuba boat one day, which was fun, but resulted in massive heat rash. Apparently I’m now prone to that, which blows. Then the past day we rented jeeps and went out to the undeveloped side of the island, which was fantastic. All rocky and cacti and lizards and wild ocean. Aaaand I got sunburned. While looking at tidepools. Totally worth it. But annoying, since I’d been putting on sunscreen all day. By my guess, it wore off while I was at the tidepools, and I got about 10-15 minutes of sun. And being that close to the equator, plus me and my delicate lilywhite complexion, equals massive burn. Oh well. Then we went back through the island, looked at some donkeys, and back up to the beach where all the good snorkeling was. The guys went back the next morning, and I stayed inside, coating myself with aloe and hugging the ac.

The airport getting out was hellish. They said to get there 3 hours ahead, which turned out to be cutting it a bit close. Ticketing line. Then passport inspection. Then security. Then pick up your checked bags, and wait in the Longest Line Ever for Customs. Who didn’t even stamp my passport. And then security again, just in case you found some contraband while waiting in a line. Jesus. It was about 3 hours of lines. But then the plane was delayed about 20 minutes so we were about to get something to eat.

And now I’m back. The cats are happy about that, and I am glad to be somewhere that my heat rash can chill the fuck out and go away. But it was nice. And now I’ve had a real, stereotypical vacation. And pictures to prove it.

John and I in the water. It really did look like a freaking postcard. All the time.