the downward spiral

Slow week. Seder was great, as usual. I got to go on the lively night, so that was fun. John bailed on me and didn’t go, though with good reason- he has a lot of school work to do. Work is weird. I like it, but people have to show me how to do almost everything, or at least show me how to start, and so I get left alone a lot. They’re too busy to explain everything, or they keep getting interupted, so I do a lot of waiting to be told things. Which is fine, mostly, but I like being useful, or at least choosing when to be lazy and not being forced to be idle. And really, if I tried to be proactive about just about any of this stuff, I would screw it up. That already happened once, so I just wait now.

I’m doing a design for a show coming up. It’s going to be interesting. I’ve been going through a minor crisis of faith recently about theatre in general. I’m just so discouraged about getting work, even electrician work that I’m not that fond of, and it’s defeating and depressing. I feel so disconnected from it, and that’s uncomfortable. So much of who I am and how I define myself is tied up in what I do, in being a lighting designer and working in theatre. But I don’t really do that, so how can I keep calling myself one? I’ve been having that issue lately when people ask me what I do. So I keep applying to things and looking for work in that field, but no one calls me, and I’m sure that I’m qualified for things, it’s just that there’s no jobs and no money. Like I said, discouraging. Depressing. But I kept looking, and this one thing (that doesn’t pay) called me back, and when I interviewed, I was really kind of hoping that they wouldn’t pick me. But they did. And then I was all conflicted because I’m feeling disconnected from theatre, which I don’t like, but now I have a chance to reconnect, and I don’t want to take it. I’m scared that I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sure I like this stuff anymore. I guess I’d started to shift how I think of myself, and so now to actually try to do this again is making me have to shift back, and I just know there’s so much energy and hope and angst that’s going to start up, and I don’t want to take all that on again. I’m so tired. I’ve been trying for the past 4 months to find work and money and pay bills and get snippet to the vet, and trying to figure out this breast lump thing, and I finally found my mindless job, and I like it, but it’s not enough, it’s part time and pays crap and so I still can’t relex and I don’t know if I’m going to make rent this month and i’m scared of asking my parents for money and I try not to let John know all this and it’s frustrating and crushing. And I’m tired. And really, I have parents who can help me out if I really need it. I have a house, and friends, and cats and compared to a lot of people, I’m doing freaking great. So I feel like I can’t complain.

Anyway, long story short, I took the design, and we’ll see if it revitalizes me, reminds me why I do theatre, and encourages me to get back to it, try harder, look more. We’ll see.

This was a more depressing entry than I anticipated. Oh well. I went with John and his brother and brother’s girlfriend to see Knowing the other night. Not my choice of movies. It was okay. Actually, it was pretty bad, but there was some cool stuff that sort of made up for it. Kind of like life these days. And John paid for a trapeze class tomorrow, so I still get to do that. That was really nice of him.


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