Monthly Archives: April 2009


Real post coming soon! I have stuff to say, but can’t think of it at the moment, very ired and overworked. I got home at 10 15pm today, and that felt a little luxurious. But, my work over the weekend got cancelled, so I’ll have a bit of breathing room soon.



I have 284 movies in my netflix queue. The two that I have here, I’ve had since the end of december. Time to get cracking.

I just realized i don’t have that much else to say. It rained ridiculously yesterday, and I ot soaking wet. I made lentil burgers tonight that were excellent. Oh! I worked yesterday, doing electrician work, and it was directly for the designer, and so I somehow got 30 an hour, and it was tax free. Excellent.

I told my aunt about the whole breast lump thing, so now I have her checking in with me every day about if I’ve gone to get it checked out yet. It’s complicated. I’m going thursday to try to qualify for this free clinic insurance thing, and once I get that, get an exam. I think possibly a prior condition will lessen my chances of getting it, so I think I will pretend not to know, or something. We’ll see. Also, I stayed later today, and my supervisor said okay, but you have to eat something, and then commented to my aunt that I never eat (which is ridiculous, it’s just that at work, I don’t bring a lunch because I leave at 1, and it’s not that big a deal to wait another hour.) and then my aunt made me eat, which resulted in a matzoh-mustard-turkey-bell pepper sandwich, which was actually pretty good, and now she’s going to be on my case about that. I don’t resent any of this because it’s very well meant, and I appreciate it, but at the same time, I’m 24. I’ve been feeding myself for a few years now, it’s worked out okay. But hey, I’m not going to turn down free food on a semi regular basis.

I need to start doing actual design work on this play, since we load in sunday. It’ll have to wait until thursday, though, because tomorrow is cirque! I’m so excited. I haven’t seen a live show in 7 or 8 years. I’m so excited to be going again, and to get to take John. We have a couple extra tickets, so I invited Tenaya and Alex, since her birthday is friday. That worked out well. Also, I actually get to go. When I bought the Pogues tickets, I completely forget that I had work that night, and it was the kind of work that I couldn’t get out of. I tried to sell the tickets, but one guy fell through, and no one else came forward. That sucked. No show, and out 150 bucks. This time, definitely show, and tickets were 30 bucks each, because I am awesome and have secret discounts. Whee.

I have to figure out what to wear, since I have trapeze, then work, then the show. I want to wear a dress, but it’s going to rain tomorrow. I’ll figure something out.

Sick again

Whee. Woke up at 2am on tuesday to throw up. Waited around. Threw up again at 3. Sort of tried to get some sleep. Threw up again at 4 30. Fever all day. Broke in the evening. At a couple of bananas and a piece of toast. I probably could have gone to work today, but you’re supposed to stay home the day after a fever or something, and I was feeling lazy. And when I talked to my supervisor on tuesday she sounded really surprised that I was going to try to come in today, so I’m taking advantage of that.

Iwent to a rehearsal of the show monday night, and it was interesting. It was just the first act, and not the whole thing. It’s sort of a play with in a play, and they were just doing the play part, not the framework. I’ve worked in that space before, and it’s better equipt than I remembered, which is always good. It’s still going to be a little weird, and hard to enact my ideas. We’ll see. I’m also still not quite excited yet. That may not catch on until I actually get into tech. Which is like 2 weeks. Eesh. Fortunately I still have the excuse of not having seen the whole thing yet, so I don’t have to figure out a plot for a littl while. And I’m the one doing all the hanging and all, so I can get away with scribbled notes. I wish I were more enthusiastic about this. I suppose I could convince myself to be. Meh.

I’m starting to be hungry again, which is great. There’s almost nothing to eat in the house, which is not. I’ll figure something out.

Oh, about the breast thing. So it turns out I’m not eligible for that thing. So i get to go to Kings hospital and hang out there and qualify for everything and blah blah. I was going to go yesterday, but I was too busy aching and sleeping.

Further frustration

So on march 3rd, I went in for a depo shot and an annual exam. I (and I regret this now) said hey, let’s do the exam first. Then they found a lump in my breast (my rational mind is totally certain that this is nothing, and just needs to be checked out to make sure. They also won’t give me my birth control until I get it checked out. My hypochondriac mind has already figured out who to give my stuff to and all that), and referred me to the RL center. I made an appointment for april 2nd. For some reason having to do with their grants and me being uninsured, I had to wait that month. The morning of, they called and cancelled, and said that the funding had been cut and to call the ACS in brooklyn. I called, they said ‘wtf, that’s not right, we’re going to call Colombai’. C then called me back saying okay, we’re going to figure this out, let me call RL and PP for you. I hear nothing and keep calling every day to try to get an answer. Then I leave them alone for a couple days. Today, I called C and finally got an answer that she had talked to RL last thursday, and they were supposed to call me. In the last whirlwind half hour, I called RL, and after being transfered around some talked to a very nice woman who said I’m so sorry, we can’t see women under the age of 50 anymore, this really sucks, you need to call ACS in brooklyn back and make them give you an appointment. Oh boy. She was very nice, and gave me her direct line so I could call her later and let her know how everything turned out. Fine. So I call ACS, and they say wtf? We thought we cleared you up, because you were screened before april 1st, RL is supposed to take care of you. I talked her through the whole process that I had just been sent through, and she is now calling RL to yell at them to give me an appointment. This is ridiculous. I just want to not worry about this any more. I want to be back on birth control. I want John to not have to worry.

And on top of it all, I have to write a bio for the program of the show I’m working on. I hate bios.

the downward spiral

Slow week. Seder was great, as usual. I got to go on the lively night, so that was fun. John bailed on me and didn’t go, though with good reason- he has a lot of school work to do. Work is weird. I like it, but people have to show me how to do almost everything, or at least show me how to start, and so I get left alone a lot. They’re too busy to explain everything, or they keep getting interupted, so I do a lot of waiting to be told things. Which is fine, mostly, but I like being useful, or at least choosing when to be lazy and not being forced to be idle. And really, if I tried to be proactive about just about any of this stuff, I would screw it up. That already happened once, so I just wait now.

I’m doing a design for a show coming up. It’s going to be interesting. I’ve been going through a minor crisis of faith recently about theatre in general. I’m just so discouraged about getting work, even electrician work that I’m not that fond of, and it’s defeating and depressing. I feel so disconnected from it, and that’s uncomfortable. So much of who I am and how I define myself is tied up in what I do, in being a lighting designer and working in theatre. But I don’t really do that, so how can I keep calling myself one? I’ve been having that issue lately when people ask me what I do. So I keep applying to things and looking for work in that field, but no one calls me, and I’m sure that I’m qualified for things, it’s just that there’s no jobs and no money. Like I said, discouraging. Depressing. But I kept looking, and this one thing (that doesn’t pay) called me back, and when I interviewed, I was really kind of hoping that they wouldn’t pick me. But they did. And then I was all conflicted because I’m feeling disconnected from theatre, which I don’t like, but now I have a chance to reconnect, and I don’t want to take it. I’m scared that I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sure I like this stuff anymore. I guess I’d started to shift how I think of myself, and so now to actually try to do this again is making me have to shift back, and I just know there’s so much energy and hope and angst that’s going to start up, and I don’t want to take all that on again. I’m so tired. I’ve been trying for the past 4 months to find work and money and pay bills and get snippet to the vet, and trying to figure out this breast lump thing, and I finally found my mindless job, and I like it, but it’s not enough, it’s part time and pays crap and so I still can’t relex and I don’t know if I’m going to make rent this month and i’m scared of asking my parents for money and I try not to let John know all this and it’s frustrating and crushing. And I’m tired. And really, I have parents who can help me out if I really need it. I have a house, and friends, and cats and compared to a lot of people, I’m doing freaking great. So I feel like I can’t complain.

Anyway, long story short, I took the design, and we’ll see if it revitalizes me, reminds me why I do theatre, and encourages me to get back to it, try harder, look more. We’ll see.

This was a more depressing entry than I anticipated. Oh well. I went with John and his brother and brother’s girlfriend to see Knowing the other night. Not my choice of movies. It was okay. Actually, it was pretty bad, but there was some cool stuff that sort of made up for it. Kind of like life these days. And John paid for a trapeze class tomorrow, so I still get to do that. That was really nice of him.

Dancey dance

I was going to write a whole long thing about my weekend and work and all that, but I have to take Snippet to the vet for the millionth time, and then go to seder at my aunt’s. I’m still trying to get John to go with me to that. I don’t think it’ll work. But instead of writing all that, I leave you with this. It sums up my weekend mostly. Though it does leave out the street fair and the pony rides.

Blue skies

It is so pretty outside, and supposedly warm as well. Time to get up and go do something with it. I wish my bike had air in the tires.

There’s a juggling festival thing this weekend and while I’m not that excited to go since I haven’t juggled in a while and probably really suck (although can still impress nonjugglers) it’s really wimpy to whine about how no one ever tells me about things and I get left out all the time, and then not go when two different people invited me. So I probably should go.

I spent most of the week with John, which was great. Though a lot of it was spent sleeping. I was supposed to start work wednesday, but then the IT guy who was supposed to brief me on the phone (yeah, I though it was a little silly, too) was sick, so it got pushed to thursday. So wednesday I go over to John’s, and we go to home creepo and buy wood and an aloe plant (which I’ve been wanting for a while, and my mom sent clippings to repot, but then Ian the asshole roommate crushed it and threw it away (without telling me either of these things) so getting a real one was pretty cool. It’s name is Herbert.) so we could build these planter box things for the seedling tomatoes and lettuce and such that he and his mom started growing. We had some good dinner, and then the drinking started. The IT guy was still out, so my start day had gotten pushed back to friday. So we drank. He has an incredible tolerance, and so drank about half a bottle of whiskey and about 4 shots of espresso vodka. I had probably 4 or 5 shots of each? I lost count, and they weren’t exact shots in the first place. Suffice to say, all the attempts to watch a movie failed due to our complete lack of attention span. We eventually passed out, and he threw up a few times. Not on me. So that was good.

Originally, my followup exam thing for the lump in my breast was thursday, so John blearily drive me home in the morning, planning to pass out in my bed, and then we would hang out the rest of the afternoon. But then I got a phone call saying that they had lost the grant that would have allowed my poor, uninsured self to be tested there. And directed me to a center in brooklyn. I called them, and they said wtf are you doing calling us, hold on, we’ll call columbia. So then columbia calls me saying hey, we’re not sure what’s up, but we’re going to call pp and figure out, and call you back. The nice thing about this was that everyone I talked to was very personal, I felt like all of them recognized that I was an individual with an issue, and they were happy to put in a bit of time helping me figure it out. But the fact that this is unresolved (and will continue to be, someone is going to get back to me on monday, hopefully with an appointment) and that I can’t go back on birth control until it is, is frustrating. Also, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but it seems a bit bigger than it was a month ago. But it’s been a while since I felt it, and it could be me just freaking out, so I didn’t mention that to anyone.

So then we just lay around all day. He slept most of it, unable to move or eat. I sort of attempted to find more work, and took care of some stuff. It was nice.

And then work! On friday! Finally!  It was odd and uneventful. I got left alone a bit since the woman was trying to set me up while doing her own work. But eventually i got handed some stuff to do, and I did it for a while, and then I left. It was easy and mindless, and I’m pretty sure that even the more involved stuff will lbe pretty easy. I like data entry.  So that was good. Also good, that I have a job. I’m so broke at the moment that I had to borrow money from John to get a metro card since mine expired. No good. But now I have this, and I’m waiting on one other check, and I should be able to stay afloat.

Friday night I went back to John’s, and stayed till I had to go to a meeting about a potential design ‘job’ that doesn’t pay. But sounds interesting. And requires not much from me.

John continues to be in a dither about buying a place. He really loves the place in bridgeport, but it’s on the expensive end, and would cost him a minor fortune in travel. I just realized that it would cost him a quarter of my income. Which is depressing both in itself, and in how little I make. Anyway. And now he’s found a few places here, one of which would be dirt cheap, and one of which he rather likes, is a semi decent price, and is much closer. As in, queens. So he’s thinking right now that he’ll make a low offer on the bridgeport one, and if he gets it, great, if not, he’s got other options.

On a selfish note, if he bought the bridgeport place, I could move in with him since it’s a two bedroom and we’d have our space. But then I’d have to work in bridgeport, since that commute would be ridiculous to do every day. And that means no hanging out with friends here, no trapeze, even less theatre, etc. In Queens, he’d be closer, but it’s all one bedrooms and studios, which means I probably couldn’t move in at any point. Though I could easily visit and stay for a few days at a time. We’ll see. He still is wary of living together, which I completely understand. But given how we have been in long stretches together, I think we’d be fine. Also, last night when I came over he was a little tired, and was just going to read and go to bed, but since I was there felt a little obligated to entertain me. I countered by just reading in bed, and so we lay there next to each other, just reading, and it was nice. Companionable, we didn’t have to actively do anything. A bit of a taste of what it might be like.