And then the midterm thing. The class is supposed to be 3 hours long, twice a week. She started out talking about how rushed it would be, and how we had so much to cover and blah blah. All true. So, it mystifies me then why she took a test that she estimated would take 2.5 hours and broke it into two parts. Waste of two classes. The first part she gave us over an hour to do, after which we could leave. It took me about 20 minutes. It was 10 multiple choice questions and then defining about 15 terms. The second part is going to be using this specific set of steps to work through a hypothetical problem. I estimate this may take me about 45 minutes. Maybe. I don’t much mind it being this easy and wasting the time, except that it’s frustrating.

I have a few writing things to do this week, to get out of the way before Fashion hits like a train. It is going to be a very busy, rough, lucrative season. Which is good since I need to pay for next semester and all. Next semester! Very much looking forward to actually being in school again. With age, I’ve gotten much better at jumping through the routine hoops, but it’s so much better when I’m actually learning something. I’m still scared of the chemistry course, but at least I will be learning it! I’m hoping my teacher is good and likable and puts things in a language I get.

Wheeee.

And then yesterday was good. John and I have been wanting to go see a movie, so we picked out a time, and then in the interim cleaned the apartment. Well. The bathroom, living room, and most of the kitchen. The hallway, stairway and both our rooms leave something to be desired. But anyway. We got just about done, and then I decided that instead of the movies, I really wanted to go to ikea to get chairs. We have this foldout table in the living room, and John got chairs to use with it, but one ended up at his desk upstairs, and the other went into the kitchen. He also wanted a reading chair for his room, so off we went.

I kind of love stores of Stuff. Somehow, those are good. Grocery stores that are too big sometimes give me minor panic attacks (yeah, I know. Weird. I don’t know why either) but stores full of Stuff are fantastic. We managed to pace it right, wandering around and looking at everything but leaving before John ran out of patience. List o’ things! We got two chairs (but, in ikea fashion, one of them had the wrong hardware, so only one is set up. Sad trombone.), John’s reading chair and food stool, a wall pot rack thing, a bedside lamp for me (aaand didn’t realize that it takes a B base lamp not a standard A lamp. Fine, but need to go get one now) and a bar of chocolate. We came home, put together the chair, made dinner (pork chops, spaghetti squash, broccoli), and ATE AT THE TABLE. It’s like we’re real grownups who really live here or something.

So yes, satisfying day all around.

New Years! Madeline broke up with Rob a few days ago, and so asked if I wanted to be her plus one to a party she was performing at NYE, and it sounded good to me. It was awesome. I was underdressed. I hadn’t realized how much of a party it was, and that the theme was glitter disco. I have never seen so many sequins. Madeline did a parter acro act, a rope act, and the a really funny bit. I between she and her acro partner (a fantastic classical ballet-trained drag queen) came to hang out with me and watch stuff. There were some other acts, and a couple amazing bands. Everyone was bouncy and dancing and happy. At almost midnight, the acro partner stole champagne from the vip area and brought it down to us, and we poured it during the countdown and shot off the giant poppers they’d been handing out. I’ve never been to a ‘real’ New Years party before, it was an experience. I had fun.

We left late, her last act was at 1, and when we got back to her house, there was a salsa/merengue band nearby. A very, very loud band. Eventually we put in earplugs and finally went to sleep.

New Years day was great. And tired. We went to sleep at about 4 30, and got up at 10 30. Because! we had to go to Coney Island to jump in the ocean with the polar bear clubs! It was amazing. I thought it would be about 50 people, mostly russians and college students or something. There were thousands of people. Some to watch, but most to do. People were dressed up, I saw a penguin and some bagpipers and lots of vikings hats for some reason. Madeline’s friend Carolyn met us as arranged by her group with the Colorado flag, and slowly we all got ready. I’m glad it was a warmish day, it actually wasn’t that bad standing there in just a bathing suit. Our group leader of sorts rounded us up and made a quick speech about “We go as one!” and we charged off down the beach. The charge lasted about 30 feet because the crowd was so thick, but we wound our way down and when it cleared up a few feet from the water charged in. At first, not so bad. The ocean in California is freezing, so I’m a little used to it. But then after a bit of splashing it got very cold. Madeline and I grabbed hands and dunked and then ran out. Other people we were with went back in again, and said it was way colder the second time. Once was plenty exhilarating for me, though.

It was great, though. This crazy thing that all these people showed up to with such enthusiasm. I need more of that.

We went back to her house to shower and recover, and then picked up her rope from the party place, and then went to her roommates parent’s house for a loose hangout dinner thing. Very relaxed and informal, and very good food. Three main things happened- 1. It turned out someone there went to my high school, though long before me. 2. Carolyn also came, and apparently after I left the polar bears, people that I ran in with said that they recognized me, and apparently I went to college with them (weird. They didn’t look familiar to me. But I did have tunnel vision in college, and people change over the years. I look mostly the same though).

And 3. We did a White Elephant Resolution game. Same rules as with the presents, you can draw a new one or steal a previous, but instead of presents you put in two of your New Years Resolutions. That turned out to be hilarious, and wonderful. I wrote down “Cook something new every week” (which, were it for me, would be just cook something every week, but I figure most people actually do that already, so I cheated that a little) and the “Figure out the feasibility of, and begin, the raccoon project”. (This is a crazy idea of mine that I’m working on, perhaps I’ll write about it when the feasibility has been worked out) That one made for some fun. The first person who drew it was super confused, and people offered lots of suggestions about “inner raccoons” and various interpretations. Then a girl who makes art stole it from him, so I’m interested to see what she come up with.

I drew some silly ones, making funny faces in the mirror and such, but then got two good ones- To not kill my houseplants, and to do something world changing before it’s too late. I’m not sure I can accomplish the second in this year, but it already was a sort of ongoing goal, in a way. I want to do big cat research that will contribute to some kind of conservation which means protecting areas, reversing habitat destruction and the like. So, I consider that one more long term. But the houseplant thing, yes. I can do that.

There were other good ones. “Find a piece of furniture I’ll treasure the rest of my life”, “Control the creative fires”, one that I can’t remember the wording of, but it was about finding a way to satisfy an interest equal to your career. I’m having a hard time remembering them all now, but there were some really nice ones, and people stole some back and forth, and we laughed a lot coming up with ways to interpret them. One person had written something about putting in underfloor heating in their freezing house, so that led to some funny ideas.

My phone died some time in the middle of this and I lost track of time, and was so surprised when I got home and it was 10 30. I’m exhausted, but it was such a nice day with such good people that I wouldn’t have guessed it to be so late. All in all, a lovely couple of days to ring in the new year. 2011 was great in a lot of ways, and rough in a lot of ways. I’m ready for it to be over and for 2012 to be even better.

In june I found out that she had been feeling pretty bad for months (which I had’t realized at Passover), progressing to the point where she was having trouble remembering things, and occasional balance issues. I found out because the doctors finally realized she had a large mass on her adrenal gland, and she was going in for surgery. I went and visited her in the hospital and then at home after. The mass was the biggest one the doctors had seen, but she was feeling better and was cheerful and positive and I fixed an outlet for her. But then they found out that the mass was indeed cancerous. She was still super upbeat and gung-ho about kicking its ass and getting on with life.

I’m pretty terrible at keeping in touch with people, even ones I like a lot, and so I didn’t really hear anything until October? when my parents said she was out in California for chemo, and they had dinner with her. I called her a couple of times, but again, bad at keeping in touch and at that point totally absorbed by school. Then I had that stupid family history report, and wanted to talk to her about that side of the family. That’s how I found out she was in the hospital again. Thank god for that stupid, stupid report, because that’s the last time I had a conversation with her. She wasn’t super clear, but she was focused and interested and we talked. She was having problems with her legs and was headed to the physical rehab section the next day. She was worried about my cousin, Sarah, but generally, she still seemed determined, and like this had just been a little thing, she was bouncing back.

And then on the 23rd my mother called and said she’d taken a turn for the worse and was on a respirator. I was out doing last minute christmas shopping with John, and stuck with him for a little bit until I called my cousin and found out where to go and heard what Sarah sounded like. I’m so so so glad that I went. It was horrible and terrible and Adrienne was on a respirator and couldn’t talk and looked awful, a bruised shell of herself, but I talked to her, and she squeezed my hand both to answer questions and in response to my squeezes. I told her about school, and plans, and I got to stay with her for about half an hour holding her hand. It was terrible, but also very sweet. There were also a ton of other people out in the waiting area, a lot of Sarah’s friends who also knew and loved Adrienne. I stayed for a while. Her partner, Marilyn, was there and was fantastically helpful to me. Sarah was a little fragile, bouncing between laughing and crying, and Marilyn was a good solid ballast for steadying me, and answering questions.

I was supposed to go again on the 24th, but the christmas eve stuff at John’s house wiped me out, and also I convinced myself that she was fine. And then today, I was tired and didn’t feel like going anywhere, until my mom called again (somehow, she ended up being the chain of communication, even though Adrienne is my dad’s sister) and told me she was doing worse.

I got there and again, so many people. This time more of Adrienne’s friends, her ex husband, people I’d met at Passovers. Most of them knew who I was, I of course had no clue about most of them. But they were all there. I waited my turn (still, like a idiot, not quite realizing that “go in and say goodbye” meant that she was going to die tonight. I figured it was at least a little precautionary, and we had a few days. Like how on the 23rd I thought we had a few weeks.)

When I went in, it was worse. The first time I visited, my initial thought at seeing her was “oh, no. She’s dying and she knows it.” This time I knew it. I held her hand but she was asleep or unconscious. I told her everything I had to say, about how grateful I was for her constant kindness and acceptance and generosity and humor, how much I love her. I told her what bullshit it was and how sorry I was that her body betrayed her and how much I was going to miss her. I squeezed her hand and she didn’t squeeze back. It was useless, standing there, but somehow letting go of her hand felt like a betrayal. That was the hardest part, to just let go of her hand and walk away. Again, I was so grateful that Marilyn was there. She told me how proud Adrienne was of me, and that I was really special to her, and held me for a bit. But that letting go of her hand. It was such a simple action, and still so big and difficult.

I went back and sat with everyone, and at some point people decided to sing. It was low and quiet hum/singing, and had this been a movie montage that is what would have been playing over it. And that’s what we were doing when she died. At some point Marilyn, my cousin, a good friend Michael, and Tommy, Adrienne’s aunt-in-law who lived downstairs (and is 90something and will outlive us all. May I be half as sharp as her when I’m half her age) went in, and I guess Adrienne knew. Her heart and respiration rate slowed down, and stopped.

We out in the waiting area, singing (in my case, crying and listening), didn’t realize until those four came back out, Marilyn breaking composure for the first time sobbing and screaming Fuck. People ran to her and Sarah, but I think it didn’t sink in for most of us until the doctor came out and said My condolences. You can go in now.

The rest of the night was long, awfulish. Figuring out things with the funeral homes and travel and all (the funeral home we called was amazingly expedient. They were there about an hour an a half after she died).

There is nothing fair about this. I know, it’s death, it’s not fair or unfair. But really. Aside from being sad, I think all of us are angry. She was 65. She had an amazing, beautiful life for the most part. The main downside was she never got to retire. She was 65. Her decline was swift, unexpected, and devastating. I get it that death isn’t fair and this is never easy, but this. This is beyond. This is bullshit.

But Tommy was sitting there quietly and Marilyn asked her what was up and she started listing all of the people she’s known who had died, and none of them had had that many people gathered, and singing. And that part, that part was beautiful.

Also, I’m the one paying the gas bill, and so I’ve been determined not to turn on the heat until I really have to. We hit that today, and even with it at 60 (I’m trying really hard to do bare minimum) my feet hurt, they’re so cold. I don’t think it’s actually 60 degrees in here. The cats are huddling constantly, and actually I feel like turning up the heat more for them than me. But they have fur.

Also, it’s almost Christmas. I’m really not into this. I’m starting to realize I like the traditions surrounding it, but not the day. I like the lights. I like the wreaths. I’m not that big on the tree, but I do appreciate other people making nice ones. I like the cookies. I miss the Christmas Revels that we used to go see (and I worked for a few years). I miss my parents cheese and apple breakfast spread. But presents? I dunno. I struggle with them more every year, and I need stuff less and less every year (or I need/want big things, like comforters and fancy boots and stuff, things I feel glutinous and wrong asking for, and would be embarrassed to receive [although I did get pillows for my birthday one year and that was amazing]). I feel like it’s a lot of pressure all around. John and I aren’t giving each other anything, although I did find a tshirt that he’ll like and got that. But we do stuff like that in an ongoing fashion. Perhaps I need to get better at that and just save all those up for christmas? But I’m really bad at keeping surprises like that. I get too excited.

Anyway. Tomorrow I’ll figure all of that out and hopefully get it squared away. Along with cleaning my room. Eesh.

A low point of yesterday (aside from constantly sneezing, feeling like I was about to sneeze, or blowing my nose) was when I went to get a second cup of tea, and they had replaced the hot water urn with the decaf urn but I didn’t realize until there was already coffee in my cup and all over my teabag. Who does that? Apparently they hadn’t actually taken away the water and were probably just refilling it because it was back when I went to check later.

Another low point was when I went to school to upload my algebra project thing, and then it turned out I didn’t need to upload it, I could have just emailed it to him. Dang. I could have been home an hour earlier (maybe) if I’d known that. Oh well.

And then this morning I was supposed to go to rope class and then realized that in addition to not being able to go upside down, my teacher probably wouldn’t appreciate me sneezing on the rope. I called her and she told me I was right. The sucky part about that is that this is the third class I’ve missed. The first I slept through because I was coming off a huge bout of work and probably shouldn’t have scheduled an 11am class after a late night. The second time, my super reliable bus turned on me and didn’t show up. And now this. I guess I’m not supposed to go to rope this month? Or something? Frustrating. But, nice to be at home with the cats, and hopefully this means I’ll be a little bit better before I go breathe in my dentists face tomorrow morning.

Other than that, I keep finding travel blogs, and crazy internships and training courses. I need to start playing the lottery again. It might be a total waste of 5 bucks a week, but it might also mean I can stop working, focus on school, and travel in all of the breaks. Dream big! I also need to start doing the “do I want to order indian food, or do I want… (school next semester, peru in august, africa ever again, thailand someday etc etc)” because although I made a good chunk of money this fall, between the cats vet bills, and being lazy and too overwhelmed by work and school to make my own food, I spent a lot on takeout. Generally really good takeout. But. That’s a few hundred dollars gone.

Speaking of food, I keep vaguely thinking about eating paleo again, and I don’t know. It was good, I liked what I was eating, it made me remember foods that I don’t normally think of, and now I like sweet potatoes. But food was all I did. All thought and energy went to what I was going to eat next and when I would be able to get ingredients and make them. And I know it doesn’t have to be like that, it gets easier, you get better at thinking ahead, using stuff on hand and all. But still. It took so much energy and focus and I have some hard classes coming up. I could do with making more food in advance and bringing lunches more, but I can’t handle reading every ingredient and rejecting 3/4 of everything because it has soybean oil, or cheese, or butter, or whatever. Exhausting. And I didn’t feel the benefits everyone raved about. I didn’t feel oh so much better. I felt fine. I feel fine now. I lost a little bit of weight. I gained it back immediately.

Speaking of food, it’s lunch time.

Snippet got spayed yesterday. I got her back last night, and apparently it went well but turned up some really weird things. My cat is clearly the genetic victim of inbreeding. Her intestines are missing a couple sections, and one section is super malformed. Luckily enough, she’s never had digestive issues, so while she’s not formed right, she seems to function fine. Then her spleen had funny things going on, little lobes like skin tags, and the omentum, the membrane that holds the squishy organs, was about a 1/4″ thick, which is ridiculous. Also when they took out her uterus, it was odd and very thick as well. Young cats should have smooth thin uterine walls. There was also a bunch of liquid right when they opened her up, they think old blood, and it wasn’t an active thing, so that’s odd. They saved stuff for me to biopsy (and took pictures!) and I decided to do the spleen but not the uterus. I figure if the uterus was the problem we’ll know because she’ll get better. It’s being saved in formalin in case I change my mind. Fun.

Today she’s super lethargic and not interested in eating. I think she’s in some pain, but she won’t tell me about it. I’m a little worried since it’s so opposite her usual behavior (well. The eating. She’s usually pretty lethargic) but it is normal for post-spay. So we’ll see if she perks up in the next day or so. In the meantime, her sweater is pretty funny.

But then after all this money being thrown at cat care, I decided to spend a little on my care. My wisdom teeth are still all in and give me some problems every now and then, and also I have this (I’m sorry, it sounds gross) mouth growth thing. So I took myself to a dental school, and got an exam and xrays. The xrays show that my lower wisdom teeth are indeed terribly impacted, and the upper ones are mostly okay but a little tilted out towards my cheeks and that’s not great. Other than that, no cavities, everything good. I think I got lucky there, I never had cavities in my baby teeth, and the one tiny tiny one that I got when I was about 15 they sealed right away.

Then the mouth growth thing. Apparently it’s one of three things, all benign, but I get to go have it checked out and biopsied. Hopefully at the same time, if they do both on the same day I only pay for the biopsy. Otherwise I have to pay for the exam as well, and while my little extra money is still going, it’s a lot smaller, and there is no work on the horizon.

So now, I go to scare up some work, since I have a few weeks off of school and I would like to use that time productively.

Incidentally, I did decide to take math of medical dosages instead of bio 1. Relief. It will still be a much harder semester than this one was, but it feels much more manageable now. Hooray.